measured out in coffeespoons & weekly milestones

If T.S. Eliot measured out the afternoons with coffee spoons, our time is being measured out according to weeks. It's impossible to think of the months passing without thinking of how far along we are in our pregnancy. We think of time now as in weeks - 12 weeks along, 15 weeks along, 20 weeks along. The months have vanished and the only thing that seems to exist is the number of weeks.

When we first found out, we waited out the weeks until our first appointment where we would have our first ultrasound - and therefore our first images of the little life we started.

Then we waited (and hoped and prayed) until we got through the first three months and into the coveted 2nd trimester; that time where things feel a little safer and a lot more real.

I waited, then, as the weeks ticked by, patiently waiting for the first little sign of a kick. When it happened it felt like another miracle! A little flutter! A tiny little sign of the tiny being nestled safely inside me - wiggling around to let me know that it was there.  A baby that I could not see, but could feel, and could already love so very, very deeply.

A couple more weeks passed and we were finally at the 20th week; the half-way mark! We have come half the distance of having our little one in our arms. But also, we hit another milestone: finding out what we were having.

It was hard enough waiting until the 20th week to find out what we were having, that it was impossible to imagine waiting until the delivery room. We had the sonographer seal the gender results in an envelope and we opened it later that morning in a diner....
A BOY! We are having a boy! Tears of joy, a boy!

And with that the abstract dreams that we had of a bundle of joy - the blurry images of a bundle of joy without gender, face or name - have manifested into the solid form of a little boy.  A little baby boy, wrapped in blue.  Then a toddler boy, teetering on unsteady legs, following his daddy around the house.  And sooner than I would like to imagine, a boy that is a young child, walking in much-loved sneakers and carrying a fishing pole over his shoulder.  I dare not imagine a young man; for peering that far into the future makes this time feel all too fleeting.

So yes, the 20th week marks the halfway mark. It means that half of our pregnancy journey is behind us. But it almost means that the other half still looms before us. Which is why the fact that there are 20 weeks left has the paradoxical quality of feeling short and long at the same time. 

So we'll relish the time we still have in this pregnancy - watching my belly grow, feeling the excitement over the changes and preparing to welcome our little guy into the world - but we'll continue to count down the months and the weeks until there are only days and minutes left until he's here.

Our Journey

Mine and Gordon's "story".... made by me on Google.

Positive

Since my last post there have been some big changes.

Gordon and I are pregnant! 
On the coattails of our 5th anniversary, after nearly 2 years of trying, a lot of hoping and a little bit of crying we have been finally blessed. 

With both of us facing fertility issues it seemed like a huge mountain to climb.  We, however, never let it consume us completely.  Our marriage, filled with friendship, laughter and love, was more than we needed.  We much as we wanted a baby we knew that if it wasn't in the cards for us we would continue on our path and continue to love each other just as much.

So this pregnancy feels like nothing short of a miracle and something so much more than a blessing.  We love him/her so much already; he/she consumes nearly every thought, every decision and every dream.  That wonderful day of April 21 when we found out that our little one exists is the day that our hearts grew and made room for another.

We have been on such wonderful adventures already that this only feels like another, more glorious one.  We are in awe of my slowly growing belly and the life growing within.  Every change, every symptom, every new development has been wonderful as we've been going through it together.

I'm amazed at the changes I've seen in Gordon already.  Always thoughtful, gentle, funny and protective, I knew that he would be a wonderful partner and (soon) a wonderful father.  But come the positive pregnancy tests and it's brought out another side of him.  I can't describe it, I can't put a name on it . . . I can only liken it to a man whose entire self-awareness has changed and grown to encompass the life that he has helped create.  I feel that we've grown closer and look into each other's eyes differently knowing that we've created a life together.

This baby is so loved already, not just by us but by our friends and family.
To those who hoped and prayed with us, and stayed positive alongside us, we thank you.  We're honored to call all of you family.

April Already

I've said it a million times, but I need to say it again: I can't believe how much time has passed already! The days, weeks and now months are slipping away faster than I care to realize. But this new month comes with two big landmarks that make me pause for a moment.

On April 1st, I turned 28.
On April 9th, Gordon and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.

Now that I'm 28 I am, as my friend Meg put it, in my "late mid-twenties." :)
Approaching 30 now, it's crept up on me incredibly stealthily. I know that I'm not the only one who takes a step back and looks to see where they've gone in yet another year. It's easy to be pessimistic and notice how much I haven't done.  It's easy to compare myself to other people my age or younger and be envious of what they have been able to do in their short years.  But this time I can't help but be proud and so very thankful.  Since my last birthday I got a job that I love, made great new friends, have the honor of teaching some incredible children, found new passions and have been able to see new places.  It might not be a lot, but with so many people facing disaster I can't help but stand in awe of the little miracles that bless this little life.  So I thank the forces and powers and spirits that be out there for another year, and pray for a continued blessing that will keep me safe and get to another birthday.

Gordon and I have been married 5 years as of April 9, 2010.
Gordon, that milestone makes me realize how young I was when I married you.  23 seems awfully green to embark on two big gambles of marriage and life in a different city.  But don't worry that I'm thinking of what I may have missed.  On that April morning in 2005 I'm thankful that I possessed the free, adventurous and hopeful spirit that allowed me to follow you anywhere.  It's allowed me to experience this wonderful life that we have and are building together.  I am just as in love with you now as I was on our wedding day - if not more so.  We've grown closer and more a part of each other. 

I never understood people who complained about marriage; especially since ours is so filled with love, respect, joy and fun.  It makes me look forward to the next 5, 10, 15, 20 and forever years.  This is a wonderful adventure that we're on.  I love seeing the world through your eyes as well as mine and I thank you for what you have given me and have allowed me to experience. 

Whatever blessings we're given will be all the more sweet because we'll be sharing them with each other; and the blessings that we don't receive will fall on two sets of shoulders instead of one.  You make me feel invincible. 

I feel closer to you now than ever.  I feel your joy as much as you feel mine.  I feel your hurt as much as you share my tears.  We're the same now more than ever. 

Baby we're the same. . . when we shine in each other's sky.  I love you.  Happy anniversary.





Matthew Sweet - We're The Same
I don't have to speak and you know what I'm thinking
You don't need to hear what I say
I don't have to ask 'cause you'll guess what I'm seeking
You don't need to hide what you know
Baby, we're the same
When we fail in each other's eyes
Baby, we're the same
So you should not be surprised when I swear to you
I never told you what to do
Maybe it's me
Maybe it's you
I don't have to act so you'll know what I'm feeling
You don't need to see to believe
Baby, we're the same
When we shine in each other's sky
Baby, we're the same
Sometimes it's me
Sometimes it's you